Norwich Natural Fertility Partnership

Our hypnotherapist Kerry shares her top tips on managing pregnancy jealousy while trying to conceive.
 
When you’re battling with infertility, the seemingly endless conveyer belt of other people’s pregnancy milestones can stir-up a whole range of difficult emotions. Sometimes, it can feel as though you’re running the gauntlet, vulnerable to every throwaway-comment or probing question.
 
Every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower, every growing bump, can be agonising. Not because you begrudge your friends, family, colleagues or the random woman in the street their happiness, but because you’re terrified that you may never get to enjoy those precious moments yourself.
 
Feeling this way doesn’t mean that you can’t be pleased for other people - though the ‘we just did it once and...bam!’ remarks can be hard to take! It’s just really hard to separate being happy for someone else from the uneasy emotional soup of sorrow, worry, guilt, anger, loss, anxiety, self-doubt and self-judgement that you might be drowning in.  
 
I promise you are not a bad person! These feelings are normal. They are simply a symptom of the deep yearning you have for a child of your own.
 
Many people I see in my practice feel awful about their responses to announcements that those in their circle are expecting. They are often relieved to hear that it’s one of the most common issues that my clients have.
 
 You are not the only one who’s struggling. WHO estimates that ‘between 48 million couples and 186 million individuals live with infertility globally.’

So how can you protect yourself from triggers?
 
Get support:
 
If you haven’t already, consider telling at least one trusted person in your social circle, at work and in your family. Not only will you then have a supportive ear, but they may be able to help re-direct conversations or deflect attention from you during awkward social moments. Often, people won’t know how to support you so it can be helpful if you just spell out exactly what you need.
 
Create Boundaries:
 
Often the temptation is to withdraw from your social circle completely, but that can feel very isolating. Instead, decide what you can and can’t deal with at any given time. Give yourself permission to cancel plans or leave any situation that becomes overwhelming. Perhaps put a limit on the amount of time you spend with other people’s kids. Maybe, request some child free time with your friends – they might appreciate that too.
 
Say ‘Yes please!’:
 
I really like this idea, from Naomi Woolfson at ‘Embrace Fertility’. Often, when we really want something, what we are connecting to is a feeling of lack. In this instance, thinking about wanting a baby registers as a fear - the fear of not having a baby – and can make us feel bad. Instead, she suggests saying ‘yes please!’ to the woman with her hand over the baby bump, ‘Yes, please!’ to the couple in the park pushing a pram, ‘Yes please!’ to the sonogram of a healthy baby. It’s not easy, but, with practice, you can begin to change the energy around those triggers.
 
Choose your responses:
 
One of the most exhausting aspects of infertility is the feeling that your triggers could ambush you at any time. Many people feel that they need to be constantly vigilant.
 
It can be helpful to be prepared, consider how you’d like to respond to your triggers in advance.
 
These questions might help:
 
What is the trigger?
What are your current thoughts about this?
How do you feel?
How do you react?
How would you like to feel?
What thoughts would support this?
How would I react?
 
Here’s an example:
 
What is the trigger? Friends complaining about their babies/children
What are your current thoughts about this? ‘They don’t know how lucky they are. I’d do anything to have their problems...’
How do you feel? Anger/resentment
How do you react? Avoiding her/unsympathetic
How would you like to feel? Empathetic/ able to separate her situation from mine
What thoughts would support this? ‘I know that she appreciates how lucky she is and I respect that it can also be hard.’
How would I react? I will support my friend as much as I feel able and ensure that I also seek support for myself.
 
Visualisations:
 
Close your eyes and imagine a shield around you, a protective bubble. You can create this in whatever way you like like. It might feel like a forcefield or have the texture of a unburstable bubble, it might even look like the kind of shield a knight would carry. Get a sense of that shield around you, keeping you safe from thoughtless comments and creating a space behind the shield, a buffer that helps you to decide how you want to respond.
 
Now, imagine a situation which would previously have felt triggered, but this time feel your shield around you protecting you, any thoughtless comments or unwelcome triggers just bounce off.
 
Self hypnosis:
 
Learn self-hypnosis techniques to help you to change your mind set from within and take control of your thoughts to improve the way you feel.
 
 
To book a free 15 minute phone consultation to find out how hypnotherapy could support you, contact me at: [email protected]