Our hypnotherapist Kerry shares her top tips on managing fertility anxiety.
For any couple facing fertility issues, fear and uncertainty are unwelcome companions on the journey. Now, as the ramifications of lock down unfold: fertility treatments are being cancelled, many avenues of holistic support are currently unavailable and, for many, the worry of personal finances are looming, your hopes for a baby may seem more precarious than ever.
So how can you prevent your anxiety ramping up with everything that’s going on right now?
Firstly, it’s really important to understand how anxiety works. Located deep within your brain are two almond shaped amygdala which form an alarm system of sorts. They keep watch on the world around you and listen in on your thoughts ready to trigger your fight or flight response if ever they sense danger. They store emotional memories to help them remember situations that have been problematic before and respond quickly and effectively. So, for example, the amygdala of someone who was bitten by a dog will respond quickly to the sight of a dog, gearing them up to run away or stay and fight.
Unfortunately, the fight or flight response is somewhat outdated for most of the stressful situations we run into in modern life. If you are in a job interview, punching the interviewer on the nose or sprinting out of his or her office won’t be a particularly helpful response.
The important thing to understand here is that the fight of flight response (Sympathetic Nervous System or SNS) can be triggered either by real sensory stimulus - something you see, hear, smell etc – by your thoughts, or by imagining possible future scenarios. So, in the case of fertility, your anxiety could be triggered in a number of ways. You might see someone with a baby and your amygdalae remember that seeing babies has made you feel sad in the past, so they trigger the SNS immediately to remove you from that situation. Perhaps, you see someone with a baby, and you start to think about the fact that that could have, should have been you and that triggers the amygdala. Or, seeing them could send you into thoughts and fears about the future, an imaginary possible future where you never have a baby and that triggers your amygdala.
In all of these scenarios your amygdala is learning that seeing babies is harmful to you and it will strengthen its resolve to protect you from that pain by creating a more and more powerful response. The physical responses that are triggered are designed to fuel action so when we don’t use that energy, the racing heart, narrowed focus, shallow breathing and oxygen drenched muscles can feel uncomfortable, to say the least.
Another important thing about the amygdala is that it doesn’t recognise the difference between what’s real and imagined which means that it will respond just as strongly when you imagine seeing a baby as to the real thing.
When we ruminate on our biggest fears and worries, our bodies can find themselves in a heightened state of anxiety and stress. This can exacerbate any existing fertility issues because stress takes a lot of energy from the body, energy that could be used for balancing, healing and running your reproductive system. It can all become a vicious circle.
So how can you take charge?
Where anxiety has become a problem, you need to train your amygdala and you can think of it a little like training a puppy. When the doorbell rings and the puppy starts barking uncontrollably, you reassure him that everything is okay, that it’s just the post man. In time, he learns not to respond in that way.
I hear you; your fertility journey is not a friendly postman and you can’t know that everything will be okay. I recognise the wild oscillations between hope and despair, and I know that simply looking on the bright side is not the answer you’re looking for. That’s not what I’m suggesting. Instead, my recommendation is to simply shift to a thought that feels better. Here is the technique I teach my clients:
Whenever a thought comes into your mind that makes you feel bad, you notice it and hold it up to the light. Ask yourself, ‘How am I thinking about this situation or myself that has me feeling this way?’ For example, perhaps I am thinking, ‘I’m never going to get pregnant!’ and I notice that this thought makes me feel hopeless and overwhelmed. Then, ask yourself, ‘Can I know, absolutely, that this is true?’ Finally, invert the thought or find a truer/ more compassionate thought. For example, ‘I have a very good chance of getting pregnant and I am doing everything in my power to make it happen.’ Notice how this new thought feels. You can tinker with it, until it feels better.
Another useful tool is mindfulness. For our purposes, mindfulness is simply the deliberate effort to be in fully present in the current moment. The path to fertility is fraught with challenges and heart break so it is particularly important that you balance that out with mindful enjoyment of the simple pleasures in your life: a cuddle with your partner, the sound of bird song or your favourite tune, a tasty meal, a beautiful sunset. Use your senses to pull yourself into the here and now. Whenever you notice that you have drifted into thoughts or visions of potential problems, gently tug yourself back with questions like: what can I see? What can I hear? What can I feel? What can I smell? What can I taste?
Your breathing can also serve as a simple means to shift you into rest, repair and reproduce (Parasympathetic Nervous System or PNS). Simply breath into your belly, through your nose, to the count of four then gently exhale to the count of eight, or thereabouts, feeling your shoulders caving into your chest as you do. Consciously taking a few of these breaths throughout your day will also sooth your amygdalae, and rebalance your Autonomic Nervous System.
I hope this is helpful. If you would like further support with anxiety at this time, I am still taking bookings for Zoom calls.
You can contact me at:
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